Dear Casserole people,
(AKA 4 Ways to Support Someone in Grief)
We’ve all heard of the 5 stages. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. “DABDA” for short. And yet…grief tends to look more like this:
One of the reasons Kubler-Ross’s 5 stage theory of grief persists in popular culture is that it seems to provide a linear order to the experience of grief. But here’s the thing: grief is messy and nonlinear.
(This brilliant image is from two of my favorite grief podcasters Widow We Do Now? Go check them out).
I just read about a daughter’s complaint that her dad was “still talking about” her mom’s birthday, five years after her mom had died. She thought he should “be further along” in his grief. But birthdays, anniversaries, HOLIDAYS (head’s up they are coming and they are hard for grievers) can trigger waves of grief. Grief is often a visceral experience that can happen when anniversaries or memories hit. We don’t “move on” from these grief bursts, but we can move forward, learning to “surf the waves” and not get pulled under by them.
Grief is not a disorder. (unless, according to the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders- DSM-5,- there are symptoms of prolonged grief disorder. In prolonged grief disorder the feeling of intense grief is severe and debilitating enough to causes problems and interfere with functioning in the grievers daily life beyond one year after their loved one’s death.) However, intense grief episodes are very common around anniversaries, birthdays, and important dates for grievers for years, as evidenced by the dad “still talking about” his wife on her birthday five years later. The treatment, even when grief is diagnosed as a disorder, is to restore meaningful functioning and participation in life.
Grief is a natural response to the loss of a loved one. We will all experience grief at some point in our lifetime, because everyone we love will die.
(Let that sink in.)
This comes as a shock for most of us because we don’t live in a grief and death literate culture. We live in a culture that glorifies youth, dieting, looking good, and buying things in order to avoid the feelings that come with facing our own – and our loved ones’- mortality.
So. How do we become death and grief literate? Especially if we are wanting to support a grieving loved one?
1) Casseroles are good… if your loved one likes them.
Even though death and grief are universal experiences, the way each of us grieves as individuals is unique. If your griever likes casseroles, by all means, make them one! But make it specific to them. Text them “I’m bringing dinner over at 5pm. I will ring the bell and if you want company, you can answer. If you don’t, I will leave your favorite macaroni and cheese on your doorstep. I won’t take it personally if you don’t answer. Text me if you want something other than mac and cheese and, if so, I’ll bring that instead. I love you.” If they like Whole Foods, get them a Whole Foods gift certificate. If they like pumpkin coffee, get them a pumpkin frappuccino. (FYI I don’t get any money for mentioning Whole Foods or frappuccinos- is there even a pumpkin frappuccino?- I’m just being specific, so you can think of what your griever would specifically like. Specificity is generosity.)
2) Don’t poop rainbows.
Be willing to be awkward. Everybody talks about the stupid things people say to someone in grief.
“My hamster/cat/dog died of the same kind of cancer, so I know exactly what you are going through…”
Don’t be that person. As a general rule, try NOT to say something to try to “make it better” for the griever. You can’t fix grief. Don’t poop rainbows on your griever because it is hard for you to be with feelings of powerlessness, sadness, and anger that come with facing the death of a loved one. Here is my favorite video (from Megan Devine, Refuge in Grief) advising about how unhelpful rainbow pooping is and how helpful it is to acknowledge pain. Imagine what your griever is experiencing and be willing to be awkward and curious.
Say something like:
“I don’t know what to say. This is so hard.” or
“I imagine everyone is telling you about their pet deaths right about now- I’m going to try and not be that person.” or
“I love you. My favorite memory of [Loved one’s name. Say their name!] is _________________” or
“I’m not going to say ‘they’re in a better place.’ because how would I know that as a fellow human? I don’t imagine it feels like they’re in a better place to you right now.”
“I imagine this really, really sucks. Do you want to talk about it?”
(Then wait. WAIT stands for Why Am I Talking? See if they want to talk. They may not. But I can almost guarantee they will appreciate you asking and not pooping a ‘better place’ rainbow on them.)
Try to be mindful of timing. Someone said to me the day before my husband’s funeral service that I was “young and would find someone else soon.” Very. Bad. Timing. And please, unless you have visited the hereafter and personally spoken with the deceased, do not speak for them. [“They want you to…”] It is the task of the griever to establish what feels to be the right way to continue being relationship with their loved one, and move forward, creating new meaning. That is between them, their loved one, and God as they understand (or do not understand) God.
One More Do Not (and then I promise to move into Do’s):
Keep your advice about the right time for your griever to do- or not do- all the things to yourself. The right time to (keep/give away their loved one’s things, wear/not wear their wedding ring, leave their child’s room the way it was/redecorate it, try/not try for another baby, scatter the ashes, date/not date, etc) is when the griever decides it is the right time. Remember: grief is individual.
3) Check in on them. For longer than you think they need you to.
Most grievers are just coming out of numbness when everyone stops sending cards and casseroles. Be the person that remembers their loved one’s birthdays and anniversaries. Say their loved one’s name. Celebrate how your griever is moving forward. Notice the ways they are making new meaning in their lives. Many grievers are “strong” for their children. Or in public. And then they cry in the closet/car/bathroom. Try not to tell them how “strong” they are. (I personally don’t mind being called a badas* griever. But that goes back to knowing your griever and being curious about their individual grief process. If you don’t know, ask! It’s ok! Be awkward! Ask: “Do you like to be called strong or would you rather put that in the rainbow poop compost?)
I have a theory that many of the things people say are offensive just because not only do we live in a grief illiterate culture that doesn’t teach us what to say, but also that anger is a normal part of grief. Totally normal! You could say the kindest, most thoughtful thing and your griever might still be pissed off. Please do not take it personally. Mad is the guardian of sad. Your griever is just trying to learn how to be in the world without their person. It’s not your fault. Be the person that takes a deep breath, and is kind, anyway. Don’t disappear. Just let them be sad/mad/not “moved on.”
4) Be a Post Traumatic Growth cheerleader.
In addition to acknowledging and not fixing their loss, acknowledge and celebrate all the ways your griever is restoring their life, and creating a new one! Notice when they try new things or are being more fearless. Tell your dad how amazed you are that he is learning how to cook at age 70. Help him (if you cook)! Celebrate your widow-sister learning how to use a hand drill, Allen wrench, and a phillips head screwdriver (or at least tell them apart from each other). Celebrate post traumatic growth. It’s a thing! Elements of post traumatic growth include: having a new appreciation of life, relating to others, personal strength, and spiritual, existential or philosophical change. If your griever is learning meditate, going back to school, writing a book, creating a new career, cheer them on! If they find grief groups or therapy helpful, support their attendance! If they are making art, buy them art supplies! Or send them to my Expressing the Art of Grief program! If they are traveling-to-see-and-save-sea-turtles-because-they’ve-always-wanted-to-so-now-is-the-time-because-we’re-all-going-to-die, don’t tell them they are crazy. They may be more in touch with what is most important in living life than they ever have been.
I hope your griever will be grateful for your presence. THAT YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG SAYS YOU ARE A FABULOUS GRIEF SUPPORTER!
Remember: offer specific support, be willing to be awkward, don’t take mad/sad personally, ask questions, listen, stay for the long haul, and be a cheerleader. Your griever may even be the one you most need to be there for you when your person dies. We will all be there. We will all be here. As Mary Oliver (who died of cancer and, in my opinion, lived a very meaningful life) said
“What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Celebrate that. Help your griever come back to- or create for the very first time- their wild and precious life. Remind them. Remind yourself.
