I’m so excited to share this guest blog from Corinne Crossley! Corinne is a therapist, mother of two, author of the Mindful Eating Moms blog, and co-host of the Momma Bites! podcast. Here’s what she has to say about the cognitive distortions in your head and how you can bring tools in to find healing and recovery wisdom:
This month marks the second anniversary of realizing how much my head was full of bullshit. This might come as a surprise, as one would assume that being a therapist, I would fully realize how often our heads are full of bullshit. I do realize this. So widespread is this knowledge is that we even have a fancy term for the bullshit – cognitive distortions. I have more than ten years of experience working with cognitive reframing, not to mention my own years as a client learning how to reframe. I know bullshit.
Except…
On one that night in particular, I stayed up well past what I know to be a healthy bedtime working on a project that involved extra screen time and stress.
Out of nowhere I announced to my husband, “Ugh, I’m frustrated that I haven’t been getting in enough movement. I wish I did more today.”
He turned and examined me with a look of surprise, “what in the world are you talking about? You’ve been practicing yoga XX of the last XX days.”
How could I have forgotten? In this particular month, with the census of my practice being down and my household short on money, I’d joined my favorite yoga studio’s practice challenge. During that month it was more yoga than I’d ever practiced and I wondered during that time whether this pursuit was as balanced and thoughtful as my values around movement/yoga. But here, in my exhausted, stressed state I’d FELT utterly convinced that I was right – that my negative thoughts about myself and my ‘lack of motivation’ were correct.
They were not.
They rarely are.
So, in the spirit of my bullshit thought anniversary, I present you with this list of reasons why your head might be full of bullshit right now.
You’re exhausted
Given my story, this one is obvious. But we often forget that we’re tired. It is not unusual for us to think that we’re better rested than we are. Parents of infants rarely have the amount of rest they need. Even parents of young children who are in bed for the requisite eight hours, often awake nightly to mid-night cries and early morning requests for water (that’s IF they have the luxury of sleeping without a tiny visitor). The rest of us are frequently up late or early worrying, working, or scrolling on screens. Lack of sleep leaves us irritable, more anxious or depressed, and erodes our cognition, concentration and decision-making skills. If you’re underslept, you brain is probably full of all sorts of bullshit thoughts.
You’re malnourished
If you’re struggling to recover from an eating disorder that involves restriction (or if you’ve *just* been on a diet lately), chances are your brain is not getting the nutrients it needs. A malnourished brain doesn’t function as it normally would, but we rarely feel the difference. Research shows that the brain function in people with restrictive eating disorders resulting in a tendency “to perceive their actions as incorrect or flawed and are highly sensitive to criticism, rather than being able to appropriately proportion reward and punishment in order to learn from experience” (Kaye, 2014). But since we can’t feel the difference, we just think our thoughts are legitimate observations.
You’re brainwashed
Chances are, if you’ve watched a tv, seen a magazine, watched something online, consumed social media, or passed a billboard at any point throughout your lifetime, you’ve been exposed to diet culture. The pervasive pressure of the thin, white, young, abled, sis-gendered ideal is finally coming under some scrutiny. Yet those messages still prevail in our minds.
Worse still, even those who believe themselves to be ‘woke’ to these biases might still be heard extolling the benefits of diets like Keto, Paleo or Whole 30 (rarely do people see these for what they are -- just an old-school diet with a facelift) for ‘health.’ At its heart, diet culture delivers the central message that you and your body are not good enough/thin enough/doing enough and its only when you consume their products to be thin/cut/jacked, attractive, young-looking, active…will things be better.
Again, we often don’t even notice our own thoughts entrenched in this brainwashing. I don’t care what I look like, I just want to lose weight so I can be healthy.Stop. Consider how and when health and thinness became convoluted. I just need to go on this program so that I can get my eating under control. Other than marketing, where would you get the idea that an outside program can better determine your physical needs than your own body?
I often use different metaphors to help clients understand the insidious nature of the negative and destructive messages we are/were given about our bodies and identities. One such metaphor is that they have been in a cult and they don’t realize it. Stop and think about the parallels here -- charismatic leaders who promise salvation (or at least our best lives) as long as we follow their directions; sinking money we don’t have into this cult; feeling like we fall short and ignoring our own inner signals when we realize we should turn back. It is striking when we look at it from this perspective. And for those who actually hope to live life after a cult have to go through a significant period of deprogramming, wherein actual reality (not the manufactured reality from the cult) is thoughtfully introduced and reintroduced. It takes a while to unlearn all of the bullshit out there.
You’re still surrounded by the cult
Even when you’ve opted out of diet culture, you’re still surrounded by its oppressive images and messages. Worse still, many of your closest loved ones might still be extremely focused on weight loss, over-achievement, or appearance-centered practices.
“But doesn’t everyone think this way?” my clients often ask. When I tell them no, they often counter with how prevalent diet talk and body bashing (or other negative practices) are in their family or circle for friends. Just because these messages are normalized doesn’t mean they’re not doing damage. Just because you’re used to breathing smog doesn’t mean the air around you is not polluted. In fact, you have to work extra-hard to notice that there’s actually something wrong around you. This is an especially time for noticing the bullshit in your own thoughts, when you’re surrounded by supporting or validating bullshit.
You’re hormonal
If you have struggled with PMS, PPD or PPA, you might be aware how much hormones can affect one’s mood and perception. However, many women suffer from the difficult symptoms of these disorders unaware that what they’re feeling is anything but the truth. If you’re feeling any of the following, it might be time to check in with a doctor or therapist
restless or irritable
sad, hopeless, or overwhelmed
guilty or shameful about being depressed
crying (a lot)
no energy
eating under or past satiety
difficulty remembering things on a short-term basis
isolation
feeling like you cannot take care of the baby/your family/yourself, or are “not good at it”
Loss of interest in things you liked to do
Okay, so what do I do about it?
So, you might be getting a better idea of why your head might be full of bullshit and unhelpful thoughts, versus actual proveable truths. Here are a couple of things you can do about it:
Check in with a loved one
If you sense you might not be operating quite in reality, but rather cognitive distortionland, connect with a trusted loved one. This is not the time to go to your friends who are still in negative mindsets themselves. This is when you need to consult with that level-headed aunt, compassionate friend, or partner who will tell you when they don’t agree with your negative messages about yourself. This is just one way to reality test those thoughts as to whether they might be bullshitty.
See a therapist
When they aren’t our own thoughts, therapists are good at spotting cognitive distortions. If you are specifically struggling with negative thoughts about your body, I strongly recommend that you consult with a therapist trained in dealing with eating disorders. This might be a disappointing thing to hear but anyone, including therapists can often still be entrenched in diet culture in their own ways, if they have not done significant work to unpack this issue. Even if you do not feel that you have an ‘actual’ eating d eating disorder, if this is the nature of what you might want to work on, an eating disorder specialist might be most helpful.
Acts of Self-Compassion
I love the work of Kristen Neff and her research on self-compassion. Here’s the rub – when you’re struggling with negative or unhelpful thoughts, sometimes we can’t think our way out of not thinking them. Instead, Neff suggests simply noticing these thoughts and then offering ourselves an act of self-compassion in the moment. A hand to your heart or to your own shoulder in the way you might with a beloved friend in need of comfort can send neurological messages opposite to all the beating up you might be doing on yourself. I know. I am fully aware of how hippy-dippy therapisty this might sound, but what’s the harm? You deserve kindness as much as anyone else. Really. Yes, even from yourself. And no, it won’t make you conceited, lazy, or out of touch. Quite the contrary. Being nice to someone rarely makes things worse.
To learn more about/connect with/find Corrine, go to:
www.mindfuleatingmoms.com on Instagram: @mindfuleatingmoms or Mindful Eating Moms Community on Facebook
Corinne Crossley
is a therapist, mother of two, author of the Mindful Eating Moms blog, and co-host of the Momma Bites! podcast. She has been in private practice for over nine years and is passionate about working with folks struggling with eating disorders, disordered eating, and body image issues. Bringing the Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating movements to clients brings her joy every day. Yoga, baking, knitting, and napping with her kids also bring her tremendous joy.
