Recently, a new mom wrote to me asking to add to a piece she was writing on being a new mom and in recovery during COVID-19. Of course I said YES. Her name is Susanna Lancaster and here is her experience, strength and hope as a new mom sprinkled in questions she asked of me.
Before becoming pregnant, recovering from my eating disorder was my top priority so that I would be healthy enough to have a child. I did everything I knew to do—from support groups, to meal planning, to reading recovery books. Throughout my pregnancy, I leaned on my husband for support and actively sought out tools for recovery. I knew that after my baby was born, there would likely be some challenges with body image and eating well while breastfeeding, and I tried to prepare myself mentally. But, like everyone else, I never imagined there would be a pandemic. At six weeks postpartum, I was happy to be spending time with my newborn, but my recovery was tested to the limit as I continued adjusting to motherhood in the midst of fear and isolation. I hadn’t planned on family no longer being able to come over to help, not being able to get out of the house sometimes, and not sharing my precious baby’s first holidays with others.
Meanwhile, social media is flooded with images of the “perfect” mom. I would look at the profiles of people I didn’t even know and feel this sense of shame when I compared myself. I certainly didn’t have daily schedules planned out for the family, and I certainly wasn’t cleaning the whole house—I felt lucky if I could squeeze in a shower or nap. After four years of recovery work, I started slipping into old patterns and restricting my food. It was easy to justify these behaviors with the thought that I was too busy to eat. As the stay-at-home-order became our new normal, I gradually realized that doing my best was more than enough and that all the hormonal changes that come with having a baby plus being in quarantine are the exact types of changes that an eating disorder thrives upon. One book that has helped me tremendously before and after having my son is The Recovery Mama Guide to Your Eating Disorder Recovery in Pregnancy and Postpartum by Linda Shanti McCabe. Reading this book helped me feel less alone, and I’m thankful that I’ve also been able to speak to Dr. McCabe and ask her questions to provide additional advice for recovering mamas during this time.
1) Being a new mother can be a hard adjustment. What are common struggles that those new to motherhood who are also in eating disorder recovery face?
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD’s) are the most common complication of childbirth. Among all mothers, postpartum depression is the most common form of PMAD and has a prevalence of 10% to 15%. In women struggling with disordered eating, this percentage is even higher because an eating disorder is often attempting to cover up or manage symptoms of a mood disorder. So, this is a big struggle for recovering women.
In addition, other challenges that all new moms face are challenges that can be exacerbated for women recovering from eating disorders. All pregnant women are potentially aware of and struggle with special food needs and body image distress during pregnancy. However, women recovering from eating disorders often have extra sensitivity in these areas. It can be hard for recovering women to maintain their recovery in a culture filled with diet messages such as “don’t gain too much weight during pregnancy!” and “lose the baby weight as soon as possible!”
For someone recovering from an eating disorder (and for many women), fear of "fat" masks underlying feelings such as fear, anger, grief, shame, vulnerability, and insecurity. When becoming a mom, feelings of uncertainty, vulnerability, fear, and insecurity are big (a.k.a., fat). Feelings of shame, under the judgment that, "I really should be over this body image thing by now," is a common distress for recovering women.
2) How do you think the COVID-19 pandemic is affecting new mothers who are working on recovery?
I think the main challenge is isolation. In eating disorder recovery, as in new motherhood, the challenge is to not approach it with an “I’m going to get help, support, and build my village once I figure it all out, look perfect, and know what I’m doing” attitude. It needs to work the other way around! You need to build your village before you have it all figured out and know what you are doing. Because your village is who helps you figure it all out and learn what you need to do! Unfortunately, many women recovering from disordered eating have perfectionistic temperaments that prevent them from reaching for support during the messy terrain of new motherhood.
This pandemic has made it even harder for new moms, once they muster up the courage to reach out for support, to access this support. It is hard to go to your Baby and Me new mommy class, lactation consultant/therapy/dietician appointment, etc when everyone is on shelter-in-place orders. That being said, many therapists, nutritionists, and support groups have shifted to offering services online. I am seeing my clients virtually, as are many of my colleagues. Organizations such as Postpartum Support International has many free groups and online offerings. And a colleague of mine put together a list of free eating disorder recovery support groups that you can find at: onlineeatingdisordertherapy.com
3) For me, one of the hardest parts about the quarantine is that friends and family are missing out on special moments with my three-month-old. He’s growing every day, and I want my family there, especially for holidays. What are some healthy coping skills for these feelings of sadness?
Sadness needs a space. I often invite my clients to find an object that represents sadness, or holding a space for sadness, and have it nearby. This can be a candle, or a clay object that you make (clay can be helpful with bringing slow movement and transformation from heavy feelings), or any object you have in your home that feels right. You could even ask a family member to mail or drop off an object for you that could represent them being there with you to help you feel connected with them. I wish I could say “do this” or “use this coping tool” and it will make sadness better or go away. But I find sadness, as with most uncomfortable feelings, needs witnessing more than to be told to go away or made better. When you place this object nearby, you are saying to the sadness: “I see you. You are allowed to be here. You are not all of me, but you are a part of me that needs attention and tending. I am going to take care of you, just as I take care of my baby.”
The good news about your three-month-old is that their memory brain cells have not even been formed yet. So you have lots of time for future do-overs. There are so many ways you can document these memories for your friends and family as well as your baby to share later/have a do-over. If you have the energy, document these moments with photos, baby book, or some other way. You could create an email account for your future child to send memories to; you could create a time capsule for them to open later. And you can have “do-over” holidays in their second year in which you share these memories with friends and family.
4) New moms need help and support from loved ones, but right now it’s harder to receive help because of the pandemic. Many are finding it hard to work from home and care for an infant, but they can’t have anyone come over to assist. This can make the mom guilt extra difficult. What are some ways friends and family could show support or help out?
For moms that have partners in the same home space, sharing baby care- and communicating agreements around sharing baby care- is even more important now than ever. This is not an easy task for new parents in normal times and it is even more heightened now. Sharing and communicating about the mental and physical load of new parenthood is challenging…and essential.
As for the mom guilt: if your overdeveloped self-critic keeps telling you how you are doing an awful job, tell it to
“Back the F*ck off!”
You are doing the best you can. There is no road map for being a new mom in a pandemic. We are creating one. Try to stay in the present moment and doing small acts of care for yourself and your baby, just for today. Instead of perfect, work on being good enough.
For friends and family that can’t come over to help due to shelter in place and social distancing guidelines, I would suggest checking in with your new mom and ask her
“What can I do to support you?”
If she doesn’t know (she might be too overwhelmed to be able to identify and articulate it), go ahead and guess- and then do that thing. New motherhood is much like grief- when you are in it, it is hard to see above the water enough to explain what kind of oxygen you need. Send her a supportive text telling her to please drastically lower the bar on her high expectations and just be good enough. Bring her food that you know she likes and drop it off on her doorstep. Go grocery shopping for her and drop it off on her doorstep. (Yes, food can be tricky with ED recovery, but if you ask her what she wants and she tells you, get that thing or if she says “whatever- just bring something!”, this is where you get to trust her and go ahead bring that thing to support her recovery and her family.) Send her a gift certificate to her favorite grocery store, bookstore, small business, or service. If she likes pedicures, make a pedicure kit with all the supplies and mail it to her. If she needs diapers, burp cloths or onesies, send her some. Encourage her to attend her therapy, nutrition, mom support groups virtually. Remind her that this is a temporary window of time- not the rest of her whole life. Her job in this window is to keep herself and her baby fed, washed, clothed, and safe. That’s it. Her job is to lower the bard on perfectionism and keep it simple. Remind her of HALT: Try not to get too Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired. (I know, what new mom is not hungry, angry, lonely and tired?!) Still, the goal is to not get TOO much of any of these. And when you do, tend to that need. Tend to the tired, the lonely, the angry, or the tired. For the recovering mom: let your friends and family members- who are probably more well rested than you- help in any way that they can. Try to receive. Let yourself be tended to- just as you are tending your baby.
Susanna Lancaster is a new mom, an author, and English instructor from Memphis, TN. Her debut book, The Growing Rock, is a historical fiction novel for young adults. She is passionate about sharing her experiences with eating disorders and has written for the National Eating Disorders Association, Beating Eating Disorders, and more. You can learn more about her at www.susannalancasterbooks.com.
